okay, it's time for another confession. See, I sit around in the office all day, sit on the train to and from work, sit at home and watch TV . . . and so I finally gave in. Brenda (my housemate) has all these pilates videos . . . so I've started actually working out along with an exercise video.

Ugg. I feel kind of ashamed admitting that. ;-)

I mean it seems so cheesy. Good grief, I was a basketball player!!! None of the people likely reading this blog knew me back in the days when I could legitimately claim to be an athlete. It's sad - it's this whole part of my identity that I've completely lost. From fifth grade through high school, I played basketball competitively. Man, I miss how in shape I used to be. It felt so good . . . to feel your muscles stretched, exercised, the blood pounding through your body, tingling . . . awake, alive . . . that last part I think sums it up most. So ALIVE. I mean, when they say exercising gives you more energy, they really really mean it. And you feel so in control, so capable.

Actually I remember hearing that somewhere, a little snippet from . . . oh yeah, okay so it was from the book Sphere so who knows if the science was true . . . it was some pyschological study about something else. About people and how they react under stress. And one of the side effects they discovered was that people who were more athletic tended to do better under stress of all types, because they felt more in control, more confident of their own abilities, even when it wasn't a physical related task.

And now I watch these shows . . . Dark Angel, Alias, Buffy . . . some bad ass women that are as close to my heros as anything is and the thing is when I watch them I just groan about how much I'm *not* in shape. And I think about my "glory days" (at least as far as physical fitness goes) and I want it back, badly.

The gym membership for that brief amount of time last year helped. The ability to get outside and exercise helped. But now I'm heading into those dark winter months - no escaping to Groton to once in a blue moon at least get out bike riding.

Exercise videos always seemed kind of cheesy to me before. Like, that's not what real athletes did. And I was a "real athlete." *sigh*

But, I have to admit, I'm impressed . . . not with myself, I'm in pitiful physical shape, but with the video. It is a good work out . . . not so much aerobically but it's an ab video, it's not supposed to be all that aerobic. So until I can get around to getting certified to work as a basketball referee and start picking up extra cash that way, exercise videos it is. ;-)