IN THIS VERY ROOM
Hmm, I've been posting quite a lot the past couple months. (For me.)
I was talking with my parents tonight about the redecorating and additions they are doing to the house. To my great sorrow they've torn out the spiral staircase that lead to our basement and don't intend to replace it. I mean, c'mon!!! How many kids can say they had a spiral staircase in their basement?? Although I'm not sure if it technically qualified as a spiral staircase since it didn't even make it a full 360 degrees around. I mean, it was only going down about 7 feet, so it only managed, oh, I dunno, 200 degrees or so.
My room, growing up, had pink wallpaper. With white flowers. Not that you could see it for most of my youth, because I collected posters. (Maybe because my room was pink flowers.) And I literally covered my walls in posters. I even rearranged my furniture so that my bed and my dresser were back to back in the middle of the room, not touching any walls, so that I could have more room for my posters. Also I just like rearranging my room. I prided myself on coming up with endless variations - no small feat, let me tell you, since the big corner desk with it's shelves all the way up to the ceiling was stuck in the same corner.
But anyway, over the years since leaving for college I have slowly taken some of the posters down, and the wallpaper is reappearing. But I haven't been able to quite make myself take them all down. (And not only because of the wallpaper, which everyone agrees has to go. It's days are numbered.) It's also because I like color. When I walk into that room, it's this explosion of life and color - but not so much in an assault on your sense type of way as it is it just feels really *alive*. I've always considered my room to be an expression of myself.
But I was talking with a friend recently who was discussing how his parents had redone his bedroom into a guest room, basically, but that they had tried to cater to his sensibilities by decorating it in an Asian style. And right then in the conversation it hit me, "You know, I'm really ready for that room to look different."
It's not a complete letting go of the past. I'm still not ready to turn it over to my parents, relinquish all claim to that room, and honestly say "I don't care what the heck happens to it." But I also recognize that I am not living there now, that my parents' lives are changing and the house is changing to accomodate them (for instance, there is a baby crib in my room now for the grandkids.)
And so I don't want all my posters up. I don't want to walk into that room and have it be basically the living dead. Because as it is, even though I've taken some stuff off the walls, it's a little piece of highschool frozen in time. It used to be I liked it that way - when I went home I was falling into all my old haunts, doing all the same things with all my old friends. But their lives have changed just as much as mine has in the past 6 years. We don't do the same things anymore when I go home. The dynamics are different. After all, they're doing things like marrying, having kids or at least a dog, buying houses and so on. That isn't a sad thing at all - I'm sure some will read it that way. It's happy - most of them are quite happy with their lives, and that's really great to see. And I'm happy with my life, so we're all just a bunch of happy people. (Yeah okay there's those pesky real world responsbilities, but I'm glossing here, okay? Let me gloss!)
My point is, I'm okay with how things have changed. And suddenly instead of being comforting, the idea of going home to that room, which is frozen in 1999, is just . . . limiting. My room has always been an expression of myself. And so somehow, I want that room to be an expression of the realities of my life as it is now.
Part of that reality is that it's not really my room anymore. It's the room where the babies sleep when they come. It's the only guest bedroom, since renovations are in progress. It's the second room in a house of a couple who's last kid has been out of the house for a few years now, and who have moved on to a new stage in their life, doing things like running for office and (yet again) redefining their business.
So it's weird . . . it's like . . . I don't want anyone to tell me I have to give up that room. (Even though some people have, rightly pointing out it's not mine yadda yadda.) I want to let go of my own free will, to say "Hey, I've moved past this." After all, my room has always been an expression of myself. This is possibly why I reacted very poorly when my sisters double teamed me telling me I needed to take my posters down. It's not that I disagree. But this is something so much more personal than just a room to me - it's about the possibility that I may never live near my family again, to cut down to the heart of it. That's why I've kept it frozen in time. So the best way I can think of to say I've moved on is to redecorate it myself - in accordance w/ what Mom and Dad want done with it.
So I offered to strip the wallpaper and redo the room while I'm home over the summer. For some reason just taking all my posters down doesn't satisfy me. I'm reluctant to take them down until Mom and Dad are ready to actually *do* something with the room (not just talk about doing something.) It would be so bare and forlorn and sad . . . like the shadow of myself or something, all lost and lonely. I'd rather just have the whole thing redone in one fell swoop. An new creation, instead of a shadow of the old.
Unfortunately, Mom and Dad are pretty preoccupied with afore mentioned major remodeling and building of additions. So they didn't jump at the idea of repapering the bedroom at the same time.
But maybe I can convince them.
Monday, May 23, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
So if I had to say there's one thing that I am a die-hard fan of, it wouldn't be Dark Angel, or Alias. It would be Country Music.
Many people do not understand this. So below are my comments on the CMA awards . . . if you read through them and follow some of the links you might begin to glimpse what country music is all about.
Comments on the Country music Music Awards:
(and upfront I'm giving credit to cowboylyrics.com and Amazon.com
Warning: ifyou're on IE cowboylyrics has a lot of pop ups. ON mozilla it's fine. Also I don't know / can't post direct links to open up the song snippets straight from here, so you'll have to select the track mentioned from Amazaon's list)
No mention so far of this year's Entertainer of the year (again) Kenny Chesney's unexpected wedding to Renee Zelleweger . . . guess that's the diff between country music and other forms of entertainment; there's still some respect for personal boundaries.
A number of the live performers have seemed a bit off key . . . I'm not sure if it's the influence of alcohol, the lack of the normal accompaniment that you hear on the radio, or a problem with the sound system . . . or nerves, since it's been some of the newbies so far.
Faith Hill, who's become a cross-over hit and has been one of the biggest of the "less country-ish country" type of music,(you probably know "This Kiss") had a role in Stepford Wives, and has an international following like Shania Twain, is decidedly changing her pace with the song "Y'all I'm still a Mississippi Girl!" Incidentally she seemed to largely avoid the pitch problems of previous singers.
Whoohooo!!! Tim McGraw!!! He won best song of the year for "Live Like You Were Dying" - an uplifting song about, essentially carpe diem. (A man recovered from something very serious but unnamed, like cancer, and found new meaning in life. This is country to the heart - some people would claim it's depressing, but any country fan would say it's uplifting, because it's about someone overcoming obstacles and gaining a new insight on life. That's what it's all about: sure hard things might happen, but human spirit triumphs!
http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/mcgraw-tim/live-like-you-were-dying-13619.html
And now he's singing a song that really reminds me of Moberly in some ways. It's a song about "his" hometown, and how it's a town of extremes, "Drugs or Jesus". Moberly is around 14,000 people, but I counted the churches in the Sunday paper once; there's something like 75 area churches . . . I counted more than 90 actually but some of them are surrounding towns, so I'm downgrading it a bit. However there are also many many bars, and plenty of underage drinking. It's a song that's both sad and nostalgic, kind of about someone coming to terms in their own internal life with this struggle between religion and temptations.
http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/mcgraw-tim/drugs-or-jesus-13620.html
But man, I really really wish Big & Rich would have won *something* this year!!! Two years in a row they've been snubbed both in the "Best New Artist" category and in the "Best Duo" category. (Country music has a lot of duos . . . dominated by Brooks and Dunn, of course, who won again. But anyway the point is there's enough to give it a category separate from Best Group.) If you aren't familiar with Big & Rich (and I expect you aren't) they broke onto the music charts with their song "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy", [thus my away message] and musically their stuff just sounds soo unique!! They've got some really interesting harmonies that take a bit to get used to, but are really cool. They've run their own open jam session in Nashville for years, dubbed Muzic Mafia, which is doing something really unique, really interesting, and really fun with country music! They've used their own fame to launch what could be country music's first African American star (if people go for it) Cowboy Troy, who is the leader of "hick hop" . . . i.e. country rap. It's interesting stuff . . . but while Big and Rich could make it, I think Hick Hop might not get so far. But for pete's sakes, B&R are great, Gretchen Wilson ("Here for the Party" and "Redneck woman") has won I think 3 awards in two years; she broke out at the same time as B&R. B&R have had a number of songs with lots of radio play:
(I'm not linking to the lyrics because with Big and Rich especially you have to experience the song, not just the lyrics, to really get how awesome they are.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00020H916/qid=1116385485/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-5012971-4953401
That's the link for their CD on Amazon - go listen to them!! Save a Horse, Holy Water, Big Time, Wild West Show are their major radio songs so far)
*sigh* Whiskey Lullaby won best vocal event . . . Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss. Musically it's very good, very haunting but it's sooooo depressing. I mean, if you look at the links for the other country songs I've been talking about here you'll see they represent a mix, from Wilson's and B&R's get-down-and party songs, to McGraw's introspective songs, to Sugarland's upbeat overcoming the odds song (see below.) But this one is just depressing!!!
However, Paisley and Krauss are wonderful singers, and Paisley really does a wide variety of songs. For those who doubt country music has a sense of humor (which is dead wrong), I would point you to his song "Celebrity", an amusing song (and an amusing video in which Jason Alexander appeared)
http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/paisley-brad/celebrity-2118.html
and listen
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00009YXGV/qid=1116386861/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-5012971-4953401
(btw, best musical event is loosely designed to honor performances which are unique to a time and place and often include special guest singers . . . for instance Nora Jones and Dolly Parton singing Creepin')
Whoohoo!! Sugarland singing "Baby Girl"!!!! I want to give this song to my parents somehow because it just sums up my relationship with them. And it sounds like they're having fun up there on the stage, and they're on key too! And again, it's one of those uplifting songs about going after your dreams and succeeding against odds.
to read:
http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/sugarland/baby-girl-14081.html
and to listen:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000640XPW/qid=1116386788/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-5012971-4953401
I eventually want to make a whole website dedicated to convincing people that country music expresses the full range of human emotion and does so spectacularly, but for the moment this blog entry will have to suffice.
Many people do not understand this. So below are my comments on the CMA awards . . . if you read through them and follow some of the links you might begin to glimpse what country music is all about.
Comments on the Country music Music Awards:
(and upfront I'm giving credit to cowboylyrics.com and Amazon.com
Warning: ifyou're on IE cowboylyrics has a lot of pop ups. ON mozilla it's fine. Also I don't know / can't post direct links to open up the song snippets straight from here, so you'll have to select the track mentioned from Amazaon's list)
No mention so far of this year's Entertainer of the year (again) Kenny Chesney's unexpected wedding to Renee Zelleweger . . . guess that's the diff between country music and other forms of entertainment; there's still some respect for personal boundaries.
A number of the live performers have seemed a bit off key . . . I'm not sure if it's the influence of alcohol, the lack of the normal accompaniment that you hear on the radio, or a problem with the sound system . . . or nerves, since it's been some of the newbies so far.
Faith Hill, who's become a cross-over hit and has been one of the biggest of the "less country-ish country" type of music,(you probably know "This Kiss") had a role in Stepford Wives, and has an international following like Shania Twain, is decidedly changing her pace with the song "Y'all I'm still a Mississippi Girl!" Incidentally she seemed to largely avoid the pitch problems of previous singers.
Whoohooo!!! Tim McGraw!!! He won best song of the year for "Live Like You Were Dying" - an uplifting song about, essentially carpe diem. (A man recovered from something very serious but unnamed, like cancer, and found new meaning in life. This is country to the heart - some people would claim it's depressing, but any country fan would say it's uplifting, because it's about someone overcoming obstacles and gaining a new insight on life. That's what it's all about: sure hard things might happen, but human spirit triumphs!
http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/mcgraw-tim/live-like-you-were-dying-13619.html
And now he's singing a song that really reminds me of Moberly in some ways. It's a song about "his" hometown, and how it's a town of extremes, "Drugs or Jesus". Moberly is around 14,000 people, but I counted the churches in the Sunday paper once; there's something like 75 area churches . . . I counted more than 90 actually but some of them are surrounding towns, so I'm downgrading it a bit. However there are also many many bars, and plenty of underage drinking. It's a song that's both sad and nostalgic, kind of about someone coming to terms in their own internal life with this struggle between religion and temptations.
http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/mcgraw-tim/drugs-or-jesus-13620.html
But man, I really really wish Big & Rich would have won *something* this year!!! Two years in a row they've been snubbed both in the "Best New Artist" category and in the "Best Duo" category. (Country music has a lot of duos . . . dominated by Brooks and Dunn, of course, who won again. But anyway the point is there's enough to give it a category separate from Best Group.) If you aren't familiar with Big & Rich (and I expect you aren't) they broke onto the music charts with their song "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy", [thus my away message] and musically their stuff just sounds soo unique!! They've got some really interesting harmonies that take a bit to get used to, but are really cool. They've run their own open jam session in Nashville for years, dubbed Muzic Mafia, which is doing something really unique, really interesting, and really fun with country music! They've used their own fame to launch what could be country music's first African American star (if people go for it) Cowboy Troy, who is the leader of "hick hop" . . . i.e. country rap. It's interesting stuff . . . but while Big and Rich could make it, I think Hick Hop might not get so far. But for pete's sakes, B&R are great, Gretchen Wilson ("Here for the Party" and "Redneck woman") has won I think 3 awards in two years; she broke out at the same time as B&R. B&R have had a number of songs with lots of radio play:
(I'm not linking to the lyrics because with Big and Rich especially you have to experience the song, not just the lyrics, to really get how awesome they are.
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00020H916/qid=1116385485/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-5012971-4953401
That's the link for their CD on Amazon - go listen to them!! Save a Horse, Holy Water, Big Time, Wild West Show are their major radio songs so far)
*sigh* Whiskey Lullaby won best vocal event . . . Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss. Musically it's very good, very haunting but it's sooooo depressing. I mean, if you look at the links for the other country songs I've been talking about here you'll see they represent a mix, from Wilson's and B&R's get-down-and party songs, to McGraw's introspective songs, to Sugarland's upbeat overcoming the odds song (see below.) But this one is just depressing!!!
However, Paisley and Krauss are wonderful singers, and Paisley really does a wide variety of songs. For those who doubt country music has a sense of humor (which is dead wrong), I would point you to his song "Celebrity", an amusing song (and an amusing video in which Jason Alexander appeared)
http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/paisley-brad/celebrity-2118.html
and listen
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B00009YXGV/qid=1116386861/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-5012971-4953401
(btw, best musical event is loosely designed to honor performances which are unique to a time and place and often include special guest singers . . . for instance Nora Jones and Dolly Parton singing Creepin')
Whoohoo!! Sugarland singing "Baby Girl"!!!! I want to give this song to my parents somehow because it just sums up my relationship with them. And it sounds like they're having fun up there on the stage, and they're on key too! And again, it's one of those uplifting songs about going after your dreams and succeeding against odds.
to read:
http://www.cowboylyrics.com/lyrics/sugarland/baby-girl-14081.html
and to listen:
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/B000640XPW/qid=1116386788/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/103-5012971-4953401
I eventually want to make a whole website dedicated to convincing people that country music expresses the full range of human emotion and does so spectacularly, but for the moment this blog entry will have to suffice.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Calling all Harry Potter fans, calling all Harry Potter fans. :-D
I've decided to go on record with my predictions, since I'm expecting that the 6th book, which comes out in July, will begin to give definite shape to certain quandries. For instance, who will Hermione end up with?
My first inclindation is to say that Rawlings is leading up to Harry / Ginny and Ron / Hermione pairings. After all, Ginny seems to pop up places where there isn't a real need for her to pop up unless Rawlings wants to keep her involved for some reason. And let's face it, Cho Chang just isn't up to Harry's standards!!! He needs a much stronger, more down to earth female. Ginny fits the bill there. As for Hermione, while the movies leave some room to think there might be some HP / HG tension, the books seem to make it pretty clear that Harry doesn't remotely think of Hermione that way, and given how pragmatic Hermione is about Harry's involvement with Cho (compared to her and Ron's fit about the ball) I think it's clear Hermione is not meant to be with Harry.
Now, who's the half blood prince? This is trickier - or else much simpler. It seems like Voldemort is the likely choice as he's half blood and makes claims to nobility. But then it seems one book too early . . . Voldemort and harry's final showdown just about has to be in the last book (unless we are to be surprised, and book 7 is a happy post-climatic here's how life goes view) so why name the 6th book after him and not the seventh? She could name both after voldemort, of course.
Will harry be quidditch captain this year? I'm kind of inclined to think not yet - there is still one senior member, Katie bell, who's on the team. And wouldn't it be crazy if Ron got quidditch captain his senior year? I actually think that would be a neat twist, a way of bringing Ron into his own instead of just being pure side kick. And Ron would be fanatic about it in much the same way that Oliver was!
That's about as far as I'll go tonight I think. I reread the books earlier this spring and am very hyped for the next one to come out.
I've decided to go on record with my predictions, since I'm expecting that the 6th book, which comes out in July, will begin to give definite shape to certain quandries. For instance, who will Hermione end up with?
My first inclindation is to say that Rawlings is leading up to Harry / Ginny and Ron / Hermione pairings. After all, Ginny seems to pop up places where there isn't a real need for her to pop up unless Rawlings wants to keep her involved for some reason. And let's face it, Cho Chang just isn't up to Harry's standards!!! He needs a much stronger, more down to earth female. Ginny fits the bill there. As for Hermione, while the movies leave some room to think there might be some HP / HG tension, the books seem to make it pretty clear that Harry doesn't remotely think of Hermione that way, and given how pragmatic Hermione is about Harry's involvement with Cho (compared to her and Ron's fit about the ball) I think it's clear Hermione is not meant to be with Harry.
Now, who's the half blood prince? This is trickier - or else much simpler. It seems like Voldemort is the likely choice as he's half blood and makes claims to nobility. But then it seems one book too early . . . Voldemort and harry's final showdown just about has to be in the last book (unless we are to be surprised, and book 7 is a happy post-climatic here's how life goes view) so why name the 6th book after him and not the seventh? She could name both after voldemort, of course.
Will harry be quidditch captain this year? I'm kind of inclined to think not yet - there is still one senior member, Katie bell, who's on the team. And wouldn't it be crazy if Ron got quidditch captain his senior year? I actually think that would be a neat twist, a way of bringing Ron into his own instead of just being pure side kick. And Ron would be fanatic about it in much the same way that Oliver was!
That's about as far as I'll go tonight I think. I reread the books earlier this spring and am very hyped for the next one to come out.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
So for the past two days I've been having weird chest / heart discomfort things. Over the weekend Rob's grandfather had emergency open heart surgery (triple bypass - he's doing well) and I guess that's gotten me a little stressed and a little sensitive to heart concerns. But at the same time I was going "Am I becoming a hypochondriac?"
Yesterday i was feeling a little light headed; today pretty much all afternoon I felt anxious - that physical feeling of nervousness / anxiousness that until this evening I thought everyone experienced. Apparently not everyone does. But you know, generally feeling like your heart is beating to fast.
The thing is, past post not withstanding, there isn't really anything in my life to justify a couple hours of anxiety I don't think.
So finally this evening I called my Mom. She's been to the ER twice in the past six months; the second time turned out to be gallstones, but the first time it was for heart stuff. After talking to her, I think that what I'm experiencing is probably the same as what she's been having.
She said that the time she went to the doctor her heart was pounding for two and a half hours like she was really anxious, but that she's experienced the sensation often over the course of her life - heart pounding in situations when it didn't really seem called for. Like sitting at home watching nothing in particular on TV. The doctor said that basically her heart was misfiring. The left side of your heart beats and then your right, but in her case, the timing was off and the two beats were running into each other. They hooked her up to the EKG or whatever to test her heart rate, and detected the irregular rhthym, but also determined that when she exercised it went away. So the doctor's solution was simple: exercise more. He gave her some blood pressure medication temporarily and now she's not even taking that. He said it was largely a stress induced phenomenon.
It was an interesting explanation actually. He said that in days of yore, when a human was feeling fear / anxiety / worry it was because there was some physical danger in front of him - say a hungry lion. The appropriate response to such a fear was a physical one - i.e. spear the lion. So the body produced adreneline, which helped it respond faster and stronger. These days, we sit at desks and worry about intangibles, but our reactions aren't physical, so the producing adreneline rush causes problems.
It was very interesting to hear her say that, because I've felt for some months now this feeling of heaviness on my chest . . . very very faint, nothing major, just something that generally provoked in me the desire to go run or burst into some major cardio activity, because when I was active the feeling went away. I spent 7 years becoming a strong athlete, and then spent the 7 following years slowly becoming more and more inactive. Last year I still went to the gym some, went and roller bladed some, and I was playing with little kids - definitely a physical activity! But this year I've hit rock bottom, as far of an extreme from the highschool basketball player that I was as I can possibly get. So since the doctor's main prognosis was "stress and lack of exercise" being the problem for my Mom, it seems reasonable that I, having similar symptoms with similar physical attributes, also suffering from "stress and lack of exercise", would be having the same problem.
Especially since I take after my mother in a number of ways which, as I've come to learn more about women's health at the coaxing of my sisters, are very important. We're the same physical build and both have similar blood sugar issues, two factors which are very important in determining risk for heart disease. And we both tend to have low blood pressure.
Anyway I realize it can be dangerous to do this whole self-prognosis thing; I need to get Cornell's health form filled out anyway to get back on their health plan, so I figure I'll schedule a regular check up with my doc to get that taken care of and I'll bring this issue up with her at the same time.
In the meantime, I think sleeping so I can exercise in the morning is a good first step. :-)
Yesterday i was feeling a little light headed; today pretty much all afternoon I felt anxious - that physical feeling of nervousness / anxiousness that until this evening I thought everyone experienced. Apparently not everyone does. But you know, generally feeling like your heart is beating to fast.
The thing is, past post not withstanding, there isn't really anything in my life to justify a couple hours of anxiety I don't think.
So finally this evening I called my Mom. She's been to the ER twice in the past six months; the second time turned out to be gallstones, but the first time it was for heart stuff. After talking to her, I think that what I'm experiencing is probably the same as what she's been having.
She said that the time she went to the doctor her heart was pounding for two and a half hours like she was really anxious, but that she's experienced the sensation often over the course of her life - heart pounding in situations when it didn't really seem called for. Like sitting at home watching nothing in particular on TV. The doctor said that basically her heart was misfiring. The left side of your heart beats and then your right, but in her case, the timing was off and the two beats were running into each other. They hooked her up to the EKG or whatever to test her heart rate, and detected the irregular rhthym, but also determined that when she exercised it went away. So the doctor's solution was simple: exercise more. He gave her some blood pressure medication temporarily and now she's not even taking that. He said it was largely a stress induced phenomenon.
It was an interesting explanation actually. He said that in days of yore, when a human was feeling fear / anxiety / worry it was because there was some physical danger in front of him - say a hungry lion. The appropriate response to such a fear was a physical one - i.e. spear the lion. So the body produced adreneline, which helped it respond faster and stronger. These days, we sit at desks and worry about intangibles, but our reactions aren't physical, so the producing adreneline rush causes problems.
It was very interesting to hear her say that, because I've felt for some months now this feeling of heaviness on my chest . . . very very faint, nothing major, just something that generally provoked in me the desire to go run or burst into some major cardio activity, because when I was active the feeling went away. I spent 7 years becoming a strong athlete, and then spent the 7 following years slowly becoming more and more inactive. Last year I still went to the gym some, went and roller bladed some, and I was playing with little kids - definitely a physical activity! But this year I've hit rock bottom, as far of an extreme from the highschool basketball player that I was as I can possibly get. So since the doctor's main prognosis was "stress and lack of exercise" being the problem for my Mom, it seems reasonable that I, having similar symptoms with similar physical attributes, also suffering from "stress and lack of exercise", would be having the same problem.
Especially since I take after my mother in a number of ways which, as I've come to learn more about women's health at the coaxing of my sisters, are very important. We're the same physical build and both have similar blood sugar issues, two factors which are very important in determining risk for heart disease. And we both tend to have low blood pressure.
Anyway I realize it can be dangerous to do this whole self-prognosis thing; I need to get Cornell's health form filled out anyway to get back on their health plan, so I figure I'll schedule a regular check up with my doc to get that taken care of and I'll bring this issue up with her at the same time.
In the meantime, I think sleeping so I can exercise in the morning is a good first step. :-)
Thursday, May 05, 2005
It's been a . . . sad week. Monday morning at work a friend from home, E, called me on my cell, and as I was in the middle of something, I flipped her over to voicemail, thinking she probably was just hoping to catch me on lunch break and chat, as I occassionally call her on my lunch break. 30-40 minutes later it occurred to me that I better check, though. It was obvious from her voicemail that something was wrong.
The short version is that the father of our mutual close friend W had killed himself over the weekend. Put a gun to his head an pulled the trigger . . . and W and her sister had essentially been the ones to find him. I mean, they had called the police to report him missing, and the police went into the apartment first and covered the body, but still . . . it wasn't a pretty sight . . .
Even though I'm not there, except when I'm thinking about work at work, this tragedy has dominated my thoughts. Probably because I'm not there. It's hard to explain how important this friend is to me. W is one of my oldest, closest friends . . . we've known each other since first grade and been close friends since about 7th. She, E, B, and I have the type of friendship they make movies about, like Steel Magnolias or Ya-Ya-Sisterhood. (I think, I've never seen the second one. And sorry about the stupid letter thing but on a topic like this . . . ) We're all very different personalities, and our friendships have had their rough spots, but somehow, despite time, distance, and changing lives, we always come back together. They are constants in my life like few other things . . . no matter what I can always come back and feel right at home with them. Not "as if I'd never left", just as if it didn't matter that I'd been gone.
So when this happened, E and B were right there w/in a few hours of finding out. They live close by of course, making it easier, but still, I've been dealing with this terrible guilt about not going back. I feel like I should be there. It's the hard times that really show the test of friendship.
And I guess that's the inner demons I'm struggling with come out. Mostly I'm feeling sad for W, but another reason this is so hard is because I'm struggling with a lot of guilt. It isn't just this - it's also my sister having her baby, my grandmother turning 90 and not going to be around long, my parents remodeling the house and struggling to keep up with all their responsibilities and me thinking I should be helping them and instead I'm still depending on them to help me.
It's frustrating, not being there.
I wrote this for W, and I think I want to put it on here, too . . . there are two lines I wish I could change but I haven't come up with something better that works as well yet . . . it won't mean much to the people who read this most often, but it's evocative of some of the best memories I have of times with this set of friends.
Lingering
Can you remember back to the days
Of wacky nail polish and Greenday?
When adventure was a 30 mile trip to the mall
And romance waiting for that guy to call?
Remember evenings at a cabin by the lake,
All of us talking just for talking's sake?
The smell of brat's cooking on the grill,
The queen of spades going in for the kill?
Remeber back to the days when we were young
And life was a song that was still unsung?
It really wasn't that long ago
When I didn't know what I didn't know.
Time has passed and lives have moved on
But I never really leave the places I've gone.
~CS, May 2, 2005
The short version is that the father of our mutual close friend W had killed himself over the weekend. Put a gun to his head an pulled the trigger . . . and W and her sister had essentially been the ones to find him. I mean, they had called the police to report him missing, and the police went into the apartment first and covered the body, but still . . . it wasn't a pretty sight . . .
Even though I'm not there, except when I'm thinking about work at work, this tragedy has dominated my thoughts. Probably because I'm not there. It's hard to explain how important this friend is to me. W is one of my oldest, closest friends . . . we've known each other since first grade and been close friends since about 7th. She, E, B, and I have the type of friendship they make movies about, like Steel Magnolias or Ya-Ya-Sisterhood. (I think, I've never seen the second one. And sorry about the stupid letter thing but on a topic like this . . . ) We're all very different personalities, and our friendships have had their rough spots, but somehow, despite time, distance, and changing lives, we always come back together. They are constants in my life like few other things . . . no matter what I can always come back and feel right at home with them. Not "as if I'd never left", just as if it didn't matter that I'd been gone.
So when this happened, E and B were right there w/in a few hours of finding out. They live close by of course, making it easier, but still, I've been dealing with this terrible guilt about not going back. I feel like I should be there. It's the hard times that really show the test of friendship.
And I guess that's the inner demons I'm struggling with come out. Mostly I'm feeling sad for W, but another reason this is so hard is because I'm struggling with a lot of guilt. It isn't just this - it's also my sister having her baby, my grandmother turning 90 and not going to be around long, my parents remodeling the house and struggling to keep up with all their responsibilities and me thinking I should be helping them and instead I'm still depending on them to help me.
It's frustrating, not being there.
I wrote this for W, and I think I want to put it on here, too . . . there are two lines I wish I could change but I haven't come up with something better that works as well yet . . . it won't mean much to the people who read this most often, but it's evocative of some of the best memories I have of times with this set of friends.
Lingering
Can you remember back to the days
Of wacky nail polish and Greenday?
When adventure was a 30 mile trip to the mall
And romance waiting for that guy to call?
Remember evenings at a cabin by the lake,
All of us talking just for talking's sake?
The smell of brat's cooking on the grill,
The queen of spades going in for the kill?
Remeber back to the days when we were young
And life was a song that was still unsung?
It really wasn't that long ago
When I didn't know what I didn't know.
Time has passed and lives have moved on
But I never really leave the places I've gone.
~CS, May 2, 2005
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