I am bored out of my mind.

I mean, the classes are interesting enough. And I certainly spend my weekends being social. Nevertheless, I am BORED OUT OF MY MIND.

I realized this laying in bed last night. It's probably because all I do is go to class, go to the library, come home cook / clean (which is actually a welcome break from all the reading) and watch some TV when I decide I just really need some break. Or more specifically, movies and shows I have on DVD, because I don't have cable. This Sunday was a rainy Sunday, and Rob and I were just curled up on the couch, and it would have been really nice to turn on some football. We watched Alias instead, which is fine. But football would at least be connection to the outside world.

AHHHHH.

And the thing is it's not like I don't have any free time. Rob seems to think I have more free time than in undergrad. That's definitely not true. However in fairness, I have managed to not be drowning in work.

But all the same I am soooooooo freaking bored . . . . . this provides a strong incentive to go *somewhere* and do *something* on Fall break.

Arrogant ASS

So my mom has had a bad summer: gall bladders surgery, severly pulled hamstring resulting in limp, arm so broken it required surgery, 50% crop failure, and most recently a car crash totalling the van. My uncle Greg, the vehement hot head liberal who daily sends out emails to the entire family discussing why Bush and religious fanatics are ruining the country, sent this response to the family:

"Therese
It seems that God has decided that you and all the folks on the Alabama,
Mississippi, Louyisiana, and Texas Gulf coast should personally pay the
price for the conservative supreme court that this summer has brought to
the land. I suppose that one should consider it quite an honor to be
chosen to bear such a burden for such a cause. Of course it could also
be a gentle reminder from on high that we have neglected the problems of
poverty, engergy, and the environment for far too long.
Let us hope the price is well and truly paid and the message taken to
heart.
Love Greg"

I'm pretty protective of my family, and really I just wanted to cuss him out, but instead I sent this reply.

"Your "joke" was in extremely poor taste Greg. Everybody has their political views but you're completely across the line of decency when you start using other people's personal suffering as an opportunity for cheap shots on political issues.
And I can't emphasize enough the word "extremely.' "

Anybody who knows me knows that was a pretty damn reserved response on my part! What I really wanted to do was cuss him out. He replied with this:

"You take yourself much too seriously. I was not making fun of anyone's beliefs. Who are you to say your mother is not paying a price to save us all? Lighten up. Otherwise you'll age prematurely. "

Which of course only pisses me off farther. What a condescending ASS!!!! Tom suggested first responding something along the lines of "you are a worthless human being", which he then expanded to the following:


---Knight: There. Not bad for a one-and-a-half Control Crises effort.
(22:22:09) ---Knight: "I cannot believe what an ignorant fool you really are. Frankly, I've long hoped that you weren't this much of an idiot, because it embarrasses me to think that my own grandparents might have managed to produce you. The next time I'm in Moberly, I'm going to the town hall in the desperate hope of finding evidence that you're adopted."
(22:22:16) ---Knight: "The most regrettable part of this is your complete and total lack of vision. Setting aside the fact that there are voters of all stripes in every part of the country, your cheerful willingness to see those who don't share your beliefs sacrificed makes you no better than the "conservatives" you claim to despise. It's painfully obvious to anyone looking that what you really are is an angry, frightened child who is afraid of the wind and thunder, and is glad that it's hitting someone else."
(22:22:23) ---Knight: "Don't worry, Uncle _____, the adults are going to keep you safe. You could contribute though, by giving every ounce of food you eat, every drop of liquid you drink, and every molecule of air you breathe. Better people than you could use it."


Of course, sending out that response only means that this uncle will continue to pick on me to no end at family reunions, and while I'm certainly capable of defending myself I hardly want to have to spend all my time playing verbal war games w/ this asshole uncle.

So the actual response was far more tame and less satisfying - but probably a better strategic move:

"Do you honestly think that somebody in the position my parents are in - or the people whose lives were destroyed in the hurricane - would find your joke funny? If you were trying to cheer Mom up, there are far more appropriate ways to go about it. You know, maybe a word of comfort, or a reminder that hey at least you've got this good thing going for you, or a tasteful, non-political joke.
I didn't say you were making fun of anyone's beliefs. I'm merely suggesting that if you focused on what would make the primary recepient feel better, instead of focusing on your personal agenda, you would have responded differently.
Aren't liberals supposed to be the truly compassionate ones?"

But I just had to vent by declaring to the whole world what an ASS this uncle is.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

I went to the "last chance" Mass tonight - the 9:30pm mass, so called because it's your last chance to fulfill your Sunday obligation to attend Mass. They hold it in Sage Chapel. I was told it's the most popular Mass, and I can see why. Not only is it the last chance, but the late evening format works well for a lot of students who don't want to get up early enough for the morning mass or don't want to cut up their study day (which really doesn't start until noon, probably) by going to the 5:15 Mass. Plus Sage is a wonderful place to celebrate it - you feel like you're in a real church, as opposed to Anabel taylor auditorium. And because there's so much more room in Sage, I actually saw quite a lot of students hanging around after mass chatting, (building community) as opposed to just sort of shuffling out of AT Auditorium so you aren't blocking the path of those behind you.

So it was nice just for those reason. The homily tonight was on forgiveness. Part of what he was talking about was how pyschology points out that the act of forgiveness is a liberating act. This is by no means "news to me", certainly this aspect of forgiveness popped up in some of those gradeschool Religion classes, but it somehow crystalized something for me that I've been becoming aware of for a little while now.

When I was young it was easy to love unselfishly and unconditionally, to forgive the foibles and weakenesses of those around me, and to feel forgiven in turn for my own foibles and weaknesses. That's just sort of the way children are - and I think to a large extent I managed to hold onto that for quite a long time. But in the past 6-8 years I think it's disappeared. The longer you live the more crap happens - not even major, Oprah Winfrey worthy crap, but just the every day stuff that builds and builds . . . and then add to that the relationships that sour (both the friendships and the romantic ones) . . . and the disappointment when the people around you fail you in some way, or simply fail to live up to expectations . . . and the struggle to figure out if the problem is you or other people or circumstances. And if you're lucky you manage to let go a little bit, to not remember every little incident where someone hurt you, or you did something wrong - because holding on that tightly drives you bonkers, suicidal, or homicedal. But even if you manage to mostly let go of things, it builds up not just a hard outer shell, but a cynical strain of self-interest that makes it incredibly difficult to love unselfishly and unconditionally.

And of course when I say "you" I mean "I."

So when Fr. Bob was talking about the liberating nature of forgiveness tonight I was thinking how that doesn't just mean forgiving particular acts where you felt somebody wronged you, but also letting go of that cynicism and hurt and selfishness that's built up over the years. In a way I suppose it's fear that makes us hold so tightly to those things - we think our cynicism and self-interest is what protects us from getting hurt again.

And yet in the end, I think all it does is cause a different kind of pain, one we inflict on ourselves when we close ourselves off to the possibilities of joy, love, and happiness around us.

Because those possibilities are there, no matter how dark the time seems. One thing that I've never lost in all these years of ups and downs is my rock-solid belief that our lives are what we make of them. It's a given that there are factors we can't control - but what makes the difference is what you do about the factors you can control, and the attitude you bring to the matter at hand. Letting go of that hard shell that's built up over the years, liberating yourself from the fear that's keeping you closed off, means you can be open to finding the unexpected and unplanned.

"If you and Tom ever have to argue against each other in court, let me know. I want to bring popcorn." ~Matt D

So in my excitement babbling about swing dancing, I forgot to mention a rather important event: my first being-grilled-Socratically experience. In Summers class no less . . . so much for wishing I could avoid it! At least Holden-Smith makes an effort to get students to the right answer by asking them a series of leading questions, when they don't get it right off the bat. Summers on the other hand, attempts to make you second guess yourself even if you do have the right answer, and cuts you off, and can be rather difficult to understand the words he's saying much less the meaning. But all in all it wasn't too horrible - not too great either, since I think at least 1/2 the answers I gave him were in some way wrong or lacking. It's weird too - I really understood the case coming into class, but I understood more in a synthesizing it, general sense, (we learned this principle from this case, and the case shows it in this way . . . ) and he was asking questions with very specific answers.

I managed however to at least speak clearly and audibly and with some amount of confidence most of the time - the last question he asked, I didn't really have time to think about (because he wants immediate answers not considered ones), and since it was yes or no I said, "No, because - " and was cut off by "Anyone disagree with her?" I think I actually could have defended the "no" answer, but it doesn't bother me too much that I can't because the exams are blind-graded anyway. My only point in relating that part was in saying that I just decided to pick an answer and go at it confidently, rather than trying to figure out what I actually thought. And while that didn't produce the answer he wanted, it did at least make me not seem like a fool to the rest of the class, I guess.

I definitely wished I had performed better, but I wasn't really too shaken up by the whole thing either. It kind of was inevitable, so although I definitely had an increased heart rate when suddenly I heard the bark "Ms. Sander!" that meant "you're on, sucker" I felt like I came out of it fairly unscathed. Despite the numerous incorrect answers I apparently gave, a number of people told me afterward "You did a really good job" which just goes to show, I suppose, that it doesn't matter so much what you say as how you say it.

[btw, cuz someone asked, this is the Socratic method is one in which means the professor conducts the class not as a lecture but as a series of questions, and in strict Socratic form often doesn't tell you if an answer is right or wrong, and usually cold-calls various people off their list and then proceeds to ask questions only of that person for either the whole class period, if they're really mean, or for a part of a class period in which you are discussing one particular subject - and they'll move on to a new victim for the next subject.]

"You do mostly Lindy, right?"

I totally blew off Constitutional Law homework tonight to go to the Big Red Barn swing dance. It's going to be a weekly affair on Tuesdays, so I didn't really have to go tonight, but it's the first one, and the swing club is one activity I really want to make sure I have time for this year. Besides, Tuesdays are horrible nights for me anyway, tonight is better than most Tuesdays will be because one of my classes for tomorrow was canceled, so I figured I'd take the opportunity. Plus, while Rob is going to try to get up here as often as possible on Tuesdays to go to these, tonight he was a bit under the weather and stayed home. Normally this is a sad thing for me, but tonight it worked out well. We tend to only dance with each other, which is horrible for our skills in general, although we often look very good together.

But especially as a follower, you only learn to be a truly good dancer by dancing with a lot of different leaders with a lot of different styles. Being a new kid in town (naturally there's been quite a turnover since I was involved in the club two years ago) I decided the best move would be to take the initiative and ask a lot of different guys to dance. I had some really good leaders that I really enjoyed dancing with . . . and a few bad leaders . . . and a few fairly good dancers where I just crashed and burned trying to dance with them.

That was kind of frustrating / humbling actually, because the worst dances were the ones where the guy was like "Do you know Lindy?" And I said "Yeah!" *sigh* I don't know what it was . . . maybe it's just that it's easier to fake it when you're doing six count East Coast, so I got along better in those dances, but the 8 count Lindy dance, which theoretically the MAIN type of swing I do, I really was sucking at tonight. I'm not used to dancing it w/ anyone but Rob, and these guys had very different styles. The sad thing is it's not like my East Coast was 100% on either - twice I had guys say, as they noticed the styling and footwork I was doing with their six count dance, "Oh, you do mostly Lindy, huh?" Which is another bad thing because it means that I wasn't switching between the two dances smoothly. When the second guy said it though I made a mental note to really pay attention to my footwork, and after that he and I had what I thought was a great dance. I think our skill levels were somewhat on par.

On the other hand Kurt, the slightly sketchy PE instructer that first taught Rob and I how to dance and who heads the rival swing dance club at Cornell (The Hot Tin Roofers or something, I can't remember - it's the jump swing club, which is a really fast form of jitterbug / East coast), seemed fairly pleased with my dancing and said "you know, I have some guys that would really love to have you in my second level swing class. We have about four more guys."

Anyway all this writing is mostly intended as sort of a self-evaluation tool for me, kind of a way to go over the high and low points. Even back in undergrad I never went swing dancing on a regular basis; it was often a once a month thing. And the two years I was living in New England, I really only went dancing a few times a year - maybe four or five times maybe. That's pitiful - but the sad thing was Rob and I often caught people's attention, and sometimes even got compliments. Of course that's probably also because we were doing Lindy in a West-Coast swing world, and we adopted a little bit of the Andy Reid style (almost out of control so that people are amazed you don't fly into walls - but actually being totally in control). Of course, I think sometimes people were probably a little annoyed at how much space we took up, if people gave it to us. Almost-out-of-control Lindy is a very space consuming dance. ;-)

But the really good people around here are the ones who do this swing dancing every week. The reason the BRB dances are on Tuesday is because Wownet used to be on Tuesday - free dances at the internet cafe down on the Commons. The cafe part was just an excuse to have a really good dance floor - the owners built it specifically to have a spot for free weekly dances. Unfortunately, since the cafe's menu consisted largely of variations on Peanut butter and jelly, they eventually folded. But people go used to having a weekly, free DJ'd dance on Tuesdays. So thus the Tuesday BRB deal.

Personally I think it's a great way to revive the club, which has been struggling a little. In order to really create a vibrant, sustainable lindy scene you need to make it a regular part of people's lives, not just on a monthly basis (in the "old days" BRB dances were the last Friday of every month only) but on a weekly basis. And having it on the campus ensures more people will come - getting down to the commons for the various events that ISDN (the Ithaca group) was kind of a hassle plus it was out of the comfort zone for a lot of Cornellians.

The Cornell group however traditionally has been the stalwart champion of the Lindy scene - with some serious competition from the jumpswingers (who actually showed up in force tonight and constituted more than half the crowd, I'd say.) ISDN is more West Coast focused. Lindy and jitterbug / jumpswing / East coast can all exist in perfect harmony, because you use the same music for both (although the ultimate jumpswing tempo requires VERY FAST LINDY, which many people won't even bother attempting . . . thus the Andy Reid out of control style.^_~ ) West Coast on the other hand generally uses oldies rock, which is a hell of a lot harder to do East Coast (and variations jitterbug jumpswing) to, and all but impossible to Lindy to. So keeping the Cornell club alive and kicking ensures that there will be a place for those of us who enjoy Lindy / East Coast over West Coast.

Although really, all of us should probably learn all the styles . . . I've come to the conlusion that I really ought to take some West Coast classes one of these days.

But every live band swing dance has at least one "Really Sweaty Guy", and they always insist on doing West Coast with you, which is far more sultry, far more bodily contact . . . and EW!

Okay nobody really has read this far anyway, since the whole discussion of swing techniques and various dances will bore anybody not into swing and be obvious to anyone who is, so since I'm just talking to myself here I'll stop.

Oh I lied. I have to say on another note, I told El about the dance tonight, and she actually came - albeit to try to find guys she could recruit for the ballroom team. I object on the idea that I want the good leaders to stay in the swing scene - but there's certainly room to do both since the swing scene is far less demanding than ballroom (at least ballroom team). So I actually randomly found a new Masters student here, an excellent excellent leader, whose style seemed like he might be able to be transformed into a ballroom dancer, and I introduced her. His comment was that she was amazing to dance with, and she was also impressed with his leading skills. And I talked him (and tentatively El) into coming to the live band swing dance on Saturday.

I wish I had danced better tonight especially because I really wanted El to be able to see some quality swing dancing . . . and I wanted to show off. ;-) Unfortunately there was not quality swing dancing coming from me tonight. Nor were there any of the truly top notch, unbelievable to watch dancers there like Sky, Sarah, Andy, and Lucy of the old days. They've all moved on to cities with bigger scenes where they can make a lot of more money probably teaching lessons. *sniff sniff* my first teachers, all gone! (Kurt doesn't count.)

Ah well. but now I must sleep, because despite what I said I'm not going to blow of Con Law completely. I just have to get up early to do it and deal with the lack of sleep.

*sigh*

Well all in all, I'm in a much more upbeat mood than I was last Wednesday.

I dodged my first cold call by volunteering instead. In lawyering Friday I had a number of questions and thoughts on the hypothetical we were discussing at the start of class, so I was quite active in the class discussion. When we got around to the actual case at the end of class, Dole said "Cecelia - well you're off the hook. I had you down for this case, but you've been raising your hand all class, so we'll go on to someone else" and he called on my friend Joanne instead.

*sigh* now if I could just get out of being cold called in Summers class . . . I actually think the old guy is pretty funny, but that's probably just because I haven't been subjected to his questioning yet. It will probably be a hell of a lot less funny when he's making jabs at *me*! Somehow though it doesn't come across as mean-spirited to me though; more like he's just fiesty.

Yeah. Anyway. So classes are continuing, and I'm managing to have a life, too. El, her mom and I went to an opening at the Johnson on Thursday, which was not surprisingly crowded with people wanting the free food. Then Janine, Joanne and I went out for pizza and beers; we'd all had a pretty rough week, but Janine especially, who is majorly sleep-deprived trying to keep up with the demands of being both a TA and a research assistant, as well as handling classes *and* her research for her masters thesis. Yikes!!! Janine and Joanne seemed to hit it off pretty well though; they both have a strong attachement to NYC, for one thing.

Law school has the potential to be a very lonely endeveaor; people are friendly in class but have mostly been disappearing to the library every spare second they have this first week rather than hanging around chatting. I was thinking how different it was from undergrad, when everyone was eagerly on the look out for friends and romantic entanglements. A lot of people have significant others already though when they come to law school, which means there's less of this whole "everyone scoping out everyone else" thing going on. Kind of nice - it mostly erases the whole "trying to impress the opposite sex" pressure and lets you relate to people just as people. Still, all in all, while social relationships are forming, it seems like they are being cultivated more carefully since nobody has time to waste on people they really don't like. But I've had 5 or 6 days of small section classes - with the same small section of people every day - and I still barely know 1/3 of their names. (And I'm usually decent w/ remembering names.)

Thursday was all around a good social day though. I sat out in the courtyard on Thursday and another 1L acquaintance of mine came up to chat. She's one of the OWLS (older and wiser law students) and was commenting on how anti-social everyone was . . . she pointed out how everyone in the courtyard picked a spot where no one else was. It was true, too. So we sort of broke the norm. As we chatted another girl from our section sat a little ways away from us; I caught her eye and motioned her to join us, and then later another acquaintance of mine from another section sat a little ways away, and on my invitation he came over and joined as well, so that we had a whole lunch party going for the "people who bring their lunch" crowd.

Yeah, yeah, it's not shocking anybody reading this blog that I'm being Miss Social organizer, I know! It's nice to know I've still got the skills though, after my two year exile in hostile territory! ;-) Low key, under the radar social connections . . . that's my specialty. The closest I'm going to get to throwing a party is my girls night IN which will hopefully become a semi-weekly occurrence . . . margaritas perhaps next time? Or maybe the Ithaca Apricot Wheat beer . . . I discovered it at the Nines, and Janine, Joanne and I all really liked it.

So yeah, despite the horror that is Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I'm still managing to have a life.

And yes, I am keeping up with my class work, thank you very much. And even getting 7-8 hours of sleep a night! I'd say that's pretty good for the first week of law school!