It's been a . . . sad week. Monday morning at work a friend from home, E, called me on my cell, and as I was in the middle of something, I flipped her over to voicemail, thinking she probably was just hoping to catch me on lunch break and chat, as I occassionally call her on my lunch break. 30-40 minutes later it occurred to me that I better check, though. It was obvious from her voicemail that something was wrong.

The short version is that the father of our mutual close friend W had killed himself over the weekend. Put a gun to his head an pulled the trigger . . . and W and her sister had essentially been the ones to find him. I mean, they had called the police to report him missing, and the police went into the apartment first and covered the body, but still . . . it wasn't a pretty sight . . .

Even though I'm not there, except when I'm thinking about work at work, this tragedy has dominated my thoughts. Probably because I'm not there. It's hard to explain how important this friend is to me. W is one of my oldest, closest friends . . . we've known each other since first grade and been close friends since about 7th. She, E, B, and I have the type of friendship they make movies about, like Steel Magnolias or Ya-Ya-Sisterhood. (I think, I've never seen the second one. And sorry about the stupid letter thing but on a topic like this . . . ) We're all very different personalities, and our friendships have had their rough spots, but somehow, despite time, distance, and changing lives, we always come back together. They are constants in my life like few other things . . . no matter what I can always come back and feel right at home with them. Not "as if I'd never left", just as if it didn't matter that I'd been gone.

So when this happened, E and B were right there w/in a few hours of finding out. They live close by of course, making it easier, but still, I've been dealing with this terrible guilt about not going back. I feel like I should be there. It's the hard times that really show the test of friendship.

And I guess that's the inner demons I'm struggling with come out. Mostly I'm feeling sad for W, but another reason this is so hard is because I'm struggling with a lot of guilt. It isn't just this - it's also my sister having her baby, my grandmother turning 90 and not going to be around long, my parents remodeling the house and struggling to keep up with all their responsibilities and me thinking I should be helping them and instead I'm still depending on them to help me.

It's frustrating, not being there.

I wrote this for W, and I think I want to put it on here, too . . . there are two lines I wish I could change but I haven't come up with something better that works as well yet . . . it won't mean much to the people who read this most often, but it's evocative of some of the best memories I have of times with this set of friends.

Lingering
Can you remember back to the days
Of wacky nail polish and Greenday?
When adventure was a 30 mile trip to the mall
And romance waiting for that guy to call?
Remember evenings at a cabin by the lake,
All of us talking just for talking's sake?
The smell of brat's cooking on the grill,
The queen of spades going in for the kill?
Remeber back to the days when we were young
And life was a song that was still unsung?
It really wasn't that long ago
When I didn't know what I didn't know.
Time has passed and lives have moved on
But I never really leave the places I've gone.
~CS, May 2, 2005